The day I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.

Just before the MRI result came, the owner of the diagnostic centre came to me and said that my brain was swollen. I was startled, and anyone I think would be startled at what was he trying to say. Imagine this! Oh your brain is swollen! He then went on to ask, had I ever had any injury on my head. Well... Yes!! It happened during my sister’s wedding. While shopping for her friends who came from England especially to experience the Big Fat Indian wedding, I had gone to New Delhi to buy everyone ‘GHAGRIS’ and ‘JHUMKIS’ and all those things typically Indian as I didn’t want to leave any stone unturned being the wedding planner. It was morning time and the stalls were being put up, so I was finding something for myself, when suddenly, BANG went an Iron rod on my head. The pain was intense however; it got better after a few hours of putting ice-pack on my head. I still managed to get everyone the clothes. YAY! And the wedding was beautiful. Double YAY! But literally ‘coming back’ to the head injury, after six months a thick wooden board fell on my head again. What are the odds!!

Both the times, we didn’t feel the need to get my head checked for any internal injury. There was a pain in the neck and for that I got physiotherapy done which made it better. Everyone made fun of me saying I should wear a helmet when I go out. They still say it though, since I am a bit accident prone.

The MRI result came and it was time for follow up with the neurologist. The follow up went something like this. They checked my blood pressure, weight and temperature. Then the doctor’s assistant saw me, and asked me lots of questions, like what are you feeling? Can you see from your right eye? Can you walk? Can you hold a pen? I was so nervous and answered every question. Told him what I was feeling since the last few weeks, like fatigue, blah blah...basically obvious MS symptoms that I had started to only recently feel. And which my mom thought was because I never used to eat almonds, or go for my walk, or because I don’t wake up early or eat iron capsules.

Then came the time to meet the neurologist who made me feel uncomfortable with how normal he felt about the entire thing happening, about my life changing. I was again shaking, and felt like I couldn’t breathe when I went to see the doctor. He checked my eye, and then checked my reflexes, the way I walked, I sat, my arm movements etc. Till then I was clueless what was he trying to do. That doctor was not very expressive, a bit stern and whatever we asked him, wanting lay man answers, the response was not cordial enough to make us feel comfortable, which I now feel no response would have been. Then he did the most peculiar thing, he wrote ‘MS’ with a question mark. He said that you would be treated with high dose of steroids, having to be hospitalized for that, and thereafter go and see him. Get these blood tests and x-rays done and show me. The only question that troubled me then was, AM I DYING? To which he simply said a no.

What do I have I then asked? It’s a neurological problem he said and this and that. Then why a question mark? Because it’s her first attack we will get to know for sure from the lumber test. Then we didn’t have much to ask at that time, and we walked out of the clinic. The moment I sat in the car, I burst into tears and my mother in law was trying to calm me down, and my fiancé had nothing to say. Till then I was still not sure what I had. We were going for the blood test and x-rays.

Everything was done and we came back home all confused about my future, about my life. I didn’t know what was happening. Everything was so vague. I didn’t even want to Google it. All I knew was, I was getting hospitalized tomorrow morning and HOPED I would gain my eye sight back. With a sinking feeling I prayed and slept.

Fear of not knowing what was happening or what will happen was even worse than the lost of my eye sight. I knew in my heart that this will be fine. But the FEAR which was prevailing inside me wouldn’t let me believe that I will be fine.

 Just like Johann Wolfgang von Goethe said “It is the strange fate of man, that even in the greatest of evils the fear of the worst continues to haunt him’’

I prayed cried, prayed cried to overcome that fear within, but eventually slept. The beauty of sleep as it is, it will always come to you no matter WHAT!